WHAT GOOD AMID THESE?

And I found out--not just now--that to be truly yourself you must be alone.

Are you sure/That we are awake? It seems to me/That yet we sleep, we dream. William Shakespeare

She came home in order of her conscience and the love of her mother, father, and purple wall with faded words. She was the same, the home was not. "Will you stay?" Her mother asked. She didn't answer right away. Instead, she slept on the floor facing the purple wall. She was crying until she fell asleep. That was the first tears since forever. And forever for her was started that day. The very day that she didn't want to talk about. Ever. Her mother knew and didn't say anything. And so did her father. Her mother also heard the muffled sound of crying. Her father didn't, for he was busying himself in the garage, doing absolutely nothing. And they didn't say anything. That was how that home worked since forever. They did everything and didn't say anything. Neither of them was the same.

I was thinking about the future, and the possibilities. For I that could be anything. And I was thinking something funny, about the possibility of me ending up with him. And why was that funny For me that more of a dreamer.

"I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars." Walt Whitman

"And this same flower that smiles today. Tomorrow will be dying." Robert Herrick

I ask for regret to go away because you do nothing good for me; I ask for regret to go away because I know it will come eventually; I ask for regret to go away because I know I can; I ask for regret to go away because I choose to be happy with my decision and to whatever that will happen to me; I ask for regret to go away because I built a democracy of myself, and it has no part in it; I ask for regret to go away because  I am whole, and I am in control, and I am bigger than the parts of myself.

"I am better than them." Now that's an excuse. Karena bukan itu yang sebenarnya terjadi kan? Kau melindungi diri sendiri. Karena tidak ada seorang pun yang layak untuk sendiri. Aku kira dengan kehidupan dewasa ini akan lebih mudah untuk berbicara, untuk berhubungan dengan manusia, tapi ternyata tidak. Apa yang kulakukan di masa pra-dewasaku? Apa yang sebenarnya terjadi? Apa yang kulakukan? Apa yang tidak kulakukan? Apa yang salah denganku? Aku tahu orang-orang keren itu  don't fit in , tapi mereka punya orang-orang lainnya yang sama, jadi pada dasarnya mereka  don't fit in  di satu kelompok, tetapi  fit in  di kelompok lain, di kelompok orang-orang keren itu. Lantas pertanyaannya adalah, bagaimana jika tidak  fit in  dimana pun? Karena tidak ada seorang pun yang layak untuk sendiri.

Why am I always end up alone?

Ketika membaca kalimat " I still believe that people are really good at heart" yang ditulis Anne Frank, aku mempertanyakannya. Karena aku tidak percaya itu, tidak benar-benar percaya. Bagaimana bisa Anne Frank, dengan segala yang dialaminya, menuliskan kalimat itu? Bagaimana bisa aku, dengan segala yang kualami dan belum kualami, mempertanyakan kalimat itu? Tapi aku hidup lebih lama dari Anne Frank. Mungkin Anne Frank mengalami perang dan segala yang menyertainya, tetapi dia tidak tahu bagaimana keadaan dunia jauh setelah perang usai, bagaimana para manusia dan segala yang menyertainya. Aku tahu, itulah mengapa aku menulis ini. Dan tidak memercayai kalimat itu. Tapi untuk kali ini, aku memberikan manusia kesempatan. Kesempatan untuk membuktikan bahwa pada dasarnya manusia itu baik. Aku tidak memercayai lagi manusia, dari orang dewasa, sudah pasti remaja, dan bahkan anak-anak. Anak-anak sekarang ini sulit dipercaya. Tapi tadi, di kendaraan umum yang kunaiki sepulang ...